El Pulpo Paul

El Almirante wrote a reggaeton about Paul the Octopus. Below, I attempt to convey the retarded brilliance of the lyrics en inglés. Behold:

Move your tentacles
Swim without obstacles
Move your tentacles
Swim without obstacles

Paul the Octopus
You tell me what's going to happen
Bets, you make me win
Paul the Octopus

You're a playful guy with an intelligent look
They saw you in the tank and said, "This octopus is different."
Put a box there and he picks the winner
of the game in Germany that happened today

You sat on a box, you became universal
You're not just a cephalopod, you're a know-it-all!
You became the star of the World Cup which is now over
You're on my mind, and in my heart you scored a goal
a goal

Tell me the future, Paul

Give me heat, give me rhyme
Paul, your eye excites me

Paul the Octopus
You tell me what's going to happen
Your body makes me dream
Paul the Octopus

I believed in Walter Mercado until I met you
Don't let yourself be made into soup, before you do tell me more about yourself
Your my magic 8-Ball, my magic trinket
Unlike a rabbit's foot, you know what's going to happen
Paul, let's make the most of your time left
Come on, let's go to Las Vegas, get in my pool
Tell me what's going to happen, tell me when there will be an earthquake
If the world is going to end
If rock, if rock
If rock, paper, or scissors

Come on, let's dance

Paul the Octopus
You tell me what's going to happen
Bets, you make me win
Paul the Octopus

Move your tentacles, tell me what you're thinking
Convince my girlfriend to do perverse things
And if you leave one day, don't you forget us
Leave us your teachings
Write down your journeys with your ink
And move your belly

Paul likes polka
Paul likes Paul Anka
And chatting on the beach

I love you, Paul
Don't ever change
You're amazing
Get those eight over here
You have your tentacles and me
I feel like moving my...

Paul the Octopus
You tell me what's going to happen
Bets, you make me win
Paul the Octopus

If I were an octopus I'd be Paul
And if I were pulp, I'd be mango
mango

Malaprops! II

Here's the new installment of malaprops I've heard and read over the past few months.

I swear, this will never get old.


I don't want you to recreate the wheel.
We should have done different versions from the gecko. (email from an ESL speaker. He meant "get-go")
We have an adjustable rate mortgage and we're just getting cremated by the interest.
He's a little green behind the ears.
How in the world did I EVER come out on top after all the shit I was put under?
I'm not the most directional on public transportation.
I can't condole violence.
It's hard to conversate with him.
He's not the sharpest marble in the box.
In your mind, I want you to have a mental picture.
Let us glory in meeting our goal.
That's old shoe to us now.
I understand the boat you're in.
This was before Obama gave us the stimulation.
If you were a tropical storm what would you call yourself and what states would you rake havoc?
I tried, but it was all for not.
I'll wait with baited breath.
She wears a hat of many trades each day.
You're trying to squeeze blood out of a tulip.
It's like I'm biting my face to spite myself.
It's kinda kosher of those collectors to keep calling my cell phone 10 times a day.
I'll email it to you electronically.
It was so awful. Seeing that...it's kicking a sleeping bear.
Yep, it's as straight of a joe party as it gets.
We knew it was kind of a risky investment. We put all of our ducks in one basket, and now we're suffering the consequences.
I'll give you the nut's worth. (he meant "in a nutshell")
They just tried to modificate my loan.
That just irates me.
I'm trying to correctify the situation.

and... oh, AND:
I'm really pumping my butt at work to make more money.

File under: "No shit?"

Behold: My company newsletter

Tips to Keep You Warm During the Winter
As temperatures drop across the country, many are struggling to keep warm. It is important to keep yourself warm in the winter, as you are more likely to catch flu or cold in winters. Cold weather can lead to other serious health problems such as strokes, heart attack and pneumonia as well.
Staying warm in the winter is easy when following these easy steps; you'll be able to enjoy your winter to the fullest:

Clothing:
Ø Wear multiple layers of clothes. Multiple layers of thin clothes are much more effective then a single layer of thick clothes. Multiple layers help keep your body heat insulated, and protect you from outside cold.
Ø Make sure that you cover the three vital heat leaking parts of your body: your head, your hands and your feet (yeah, grandma was right about that). Wear a warm woolen cap and socks. Never expose your hands. If you are going out, make sure you wear gloves, or at least keep your hands inside your jacket pockets.
Ø Clothes made of wool, cotton on fleeced synthetic fibers are the best insulators of heat. Make sure you choose your dress from these materials.


Food:
Ø It is very important that you eat food regularly. Healthy food provides you lots of heat.
Ø Drink lots of hot liquids throughout the day, and keep a thermos by your bed in the night. They help replenish the lost heat of your body.
Ø Avoid cold drinks as much as possible. Try to replace your soft drinks with hot drinks such as tea and coffee.


Internal Heating:
Ø Make sure your heater is working properly during the winter.
Ø The best setting for your thermostat is to keep it at 21 0C or 70 0F. Try to keep this constant temperature in your home.
Ø Keep your curtains open during the day so that sunlight can enter. Close your curtains by the evening so that heat can be retained inside. If your windows do not have curtains, make sure you cover the windows during the winter. Blinds really don't help much in insulation.
Ø Make sure there are no gaps around windows and doors. Get them sealed before the onset of winter.
Ø Try to insulate your home with cavity wall and loft insulation.


Body Movement:
Ø Keep your body moving. Movement helps generate heat and fight cold.
Ø Make sure you do not sit idle at one place for a long period of time.
Ø Keep doing your regular exercises. They not only provide strength to the body, but also generate heat to keep it warm.
Ø Try to spread your chores through the day, so that you have some activity throughout the day. Alternate between rest and activity.


Going Out:
Ø Try to avoid going out from home as much as possible.
Ø Stock up daily use items so as to prevent unnecessary visits to the grocery store.
Ø Make sure you dress properly. You should wear at least one inner thermal wear and an outer windbreaker.


All these are simple, yet effective techniques to keep you warm in the winters. Follow them wisely and you'll be easily able to beat the cold. Enjoy the winter!


*****


In case you couldn't make it through the whole thing because either A) you glazed over at its profound inanity, or B) your eyes turned crimson with rage because of how aggressively insulting it was to your intelligence, here are some of the highlights:


-Keep your body moving. Movement helps generate heat and fight cold.

-Make sure you do not sit idle at one place for a long period of time.

(Thanks, Department of Redundancy Department!)


-Try to avoid going out from home as much as possible.

(Um, yes, it is generally colder outside than inside in the winter. Mostly.)


-It is very important that you eat food regularly.


They forgot to add "It is important to not reside in a temperate zone during the months of November through March." Or maybe "Remember to have been born as a mammal before the onset of winter. Mammals are warm-blooded, and therefore have greater resistance to the chill than cold-blooded organisms do."

Malaprops!

I was flipping through one of my credit counseling reference books the other day and I found something I'd thought I'd lost... The malaprop list.

When I started out as a counselor, I sat next to a woman who was a veritable goldmine of these things (btw she is actually a native English speaker). Eventually I started scribbling them down because they were just too hilarious. Many were lost, due to neglecting to document them and the fact that I have a sieve for a brain, but a few have been preserved.

Not all of these are from that particular coworker (nicknamed Miss Malaprop, of course), some are from clients and other coworkers. I don't know what it is about the credit counseling industry that brings this out in people, but it certainly makes my job a lot more amusing.

Without further ado:

I don't want to shoot myself to spite my foot.

Sometimes you have to take a step backwards to move ten folds forward.

This lady has a habit of talking out of both sides of her teeth.

We can help you at the drop of a dime.

My husband's in Iraq and it's really dangerous in his area because there's a lot of squirmishes.

That's what they get paid for and they're the one's who have to wake up with themselves in the morning. (Said about debt collectors)

They don't know themselves from Adam.

I feel like a duck out of water.

Things have improved 180 degrees.

I finally feel like there's light at the end of the rainbow.

My body was mentally tired, my brain was mentally tired.

He was so engorged in his conversation that he didn't even notice me.

Oh I totally love sushi, but I can understand why you might not. You have to require the taste.

Can I subsidize the mashed potatoes for pasta? (restaurant malaprop)

As a credit counselor, I have to play many hats.

It's not exactly rocket surgery.

I dilapidated my savings account.

She's a gossip mongrel.

I'm trying to be negotiable with you here.

I had major surgery in May and am still cooperating.

One hand says one thing and the other hand says another!

The client is 3 months in the rears on his mortgage. (mortgage delinquency crisis FTW!)

And probably the crowning achievement.... As we were finishing up our morning break, Miss Malaprop put out her cigarette, and said, without even a trace of irony:

"Well ladies, it's back to the old Bump N Grind!"

(this entry imported from ye olde bloge)

Fuck you, Vampire Weekend

Everyone's been all excited about you for a while now and I just finally got around to giving you a spin. By your name I figured you'd be a quirkier version of I Love You But I've Chosen Darkness, which could be great.

But no, you had to be an afro-pop influenced version of Architecture in Helsinki with a reasonable amount of band members. Seriously, who's influenced by afro-pop, all plinky and cheerful and shit?

Oh, right